Unexpected
by PeinSaku
Summary: Haruno Sakura was determined to make the ungrateful jerk thank her for healing him after his stupid ritual this time. But his definition of thanking was a little...OFF... Akatsuki no Sakura. — Crack!fic. Language Warning.


VIOLA! I promised **DoilyRox** that I would write her a one-shot, and she asked for a HidaSaku. So here it is! I hope you all like it, especially you, **DR**. I tried to make it funny, and I'm sorry if the ending sucks. ^^; Please read and review! :)

* * *

"Haruno-san?"

Sakura's eye twitched. She knew that voice.

"What?!"

"...he is asking for you, again."

"God damn it! I'm gonna kick his ass one of these days!!"

Sakura scowled dangerously as she pushed past Kakuzu, not bothering to thank him or say goodbye. She stormed down the hallway, not sparing Deidara so much as a glance when the blond flattened himself against the wall to flea from her warpath.

_He's so IRRITATING!!_ she screamed in her head. _Just because I'm Akatsuki's medic, doesn't mean that he has to demand for my services every time he slashes himself to bits!! IDIOT!!_

_**We should just let him suffer.**_

_We should do more than just let him suffer._

_**We should chop his body into tiny pieces and chuck them in a hundred different lakes.**_

Sakura was silent for a moment, pausing to consider her Inner's suggestion.

_That's not a bad idea._ she admitted. Her Inner smirked as Sakura continued her furious stomping towards his room.

_**See? You need me.**_

_To an extent._

Inner Sakura scowled, but then relented a moment later.

_**Well, I guess I can't argue with that.**_

_Of course you can't. You're ME._

Even when in a homicidal mood, Sakura could keep up a surprisingly civil conversation with her Inner-self. It probably had something to do with the fact that they shared a body.

Sakura flung the door open, eyes blazing as the door slammed into the wall behind it.

Around a corner in the hallway, Deidara and Kisame winced.

"She's pissed, yeah," the blond mumbled.

"When is she _not_?"

"So, so true, yeah."

Hidan raised his head, smirking at her. Blood leaked from the corners of his lips, and a thick black pike protruded from his chest. The concrete floor was stained with a flood of dark crimson.

"Finally!" the Jashinist exclaimed dramatically. "I thought I was gonna fucking fall asleep! Seriously!"

Fire appeared to take the place of her eyes and lightning crackled in her hair. Sakura gave off a deadly aura.

"SHUT UP!!" she snapped, a vein popping on her forehead. "Why do you keep doing this?!?"

Nevertheless, Sakura crouched down beside him, her face absolutely murderous.

Hidan's smirk widened, turning to a scowl when she violently ripped the pike from his chest.

"OW!! Fuck, bitch! You think you could do that any fucking easier?!"

Her eyes flashed, and he backtracked slightly. If looks could kill...

"As for your question, it's my fucking religion," Hidan retorted, grimacing when Sakura began healing him with no sense of gentleness. "If I don't make sacrifices, Jashin-sama will fucking slaughter me."

"Big fucking DEAL!!" Sakura yelled, forcing more chakra than necessary through the wound in his chest. She derived smug satisfaction from his flinch as the chakra burned him.

"Damn it, woman!" Hidan shouted back. "I'll sacrifice YOU to fucking Jashin-sama!!"

Sakura clocked him over the back of the head with the end of his scythe.

"TRY IT!! I FUCKING DARE YOU!!"

Hidan scowled at her as he cradled his injured head, eyes watering slightly from the impact. His nose scrunched up and he turned his face away childishly, glaring at the floor like a kid getting punished.

"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!"

Sakura continued on with the healing, despite her ugly mood.

Hidan did this every single day, and she was about fed up with it. He would kidnap some innocent person from a village – sometimes even more then one, and throw the rest in a cell for his sacrifice the following day or days – kill them by stabbing himself like a deranged man – which he most certainly was – and then send Kakuzu to whine and complain about the wounds. And then she was stuck healing him.

Sakura had complained to Pein multiple times, but each time he stated that she had to heal him because she was Akatsuki's medic. When she retorted that Hidan would live, Pein had said firmly that he was no use if he couldn't go on missions.

So she had taken it upon herself to punish him each time he yelled for her to heal him. This mostly consisted of 'accidental' chakra burns, and she once even locked him in a room for a week without letting him out. She told him that he wouldn't die from starvation, so going on a 'diet' for a week wouldn't kill him. But when Pein had found out, he made her let him out. Even if he _did_ smirk and congratulate her on her 'excellent thought process'.

"You know, you're really fucking annoying. Seriously."

The vein in her forehead twitched.

"OW!!"

Payback's a bitch. Especially when it comes in the form of a chakra burn.

Sakura sighed in irritation, pulling her hands away.

"There. Happy?"

Hidan snorted and pushed himself into a siting position, hands propping him up. Sakura's eye twitched again.

"Is it REALLY that hard to thank me?!" she hissed. Hidan glared, but said nothing. "Jerk."

Sakura shifted positions, moving to push herself to her feet, when something latched onto her wrist. She was pulled down suddenly, and then Sakura found herself lip-locked with the Jashinist. Her eyes went huge and she shoved violently at his chest. He pushed her away a moment later, and Sakura stumbled. She nearly gaped at him, feeling as if her heart almost stopped.

"Wha–"

"There's your fucking thanks."

Sakura wasn't just angry anymore. Oooh no. She was _PISSED_.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!?" she screamed, flying at him furiously.

She toppled him over, and Hidan cursed loudly as his head was bashed against the ground. He shoved back, slamming her backside down. But Sakura wasn't having any of that.

The kunoichi kicked him angrily in the side of the head, lifting her body and twisting to achieve the correct angle. Hidan was thrown against the concrete, and she threw her elbow into his chest with as much force as she could muster. Hidan coughed as the air was knocked from his lungs, momentarily stunned. Sakura took that chance to sucker punch him flat-out in the face.

--

Deidara and Kisame glanced warily down the hall towards Hidan's room, wincing slightly every time a loud 'BAM' reached their ears. Sasori, Kakuzu, and Itachi had joined them, and all three were staring at the closed door with impassive faces.

"If I get lucky, Haruno-san will permanently paralyze him," Kakuzu muttered.

"If only, yeah," Deidara agreed wistfully, flinching when a rather loud curse flew from the room.

"It sounds like a _war_ in there," Kisame commented. The blond nodded in agreement.

None of them looked up when Zetsu strolled by. The bipolar Kusa missing-nin halted to listen for a moment as well.

"What has Hidan done this time?" he asked politely...before his darker half took over. **"She sounds more pissed than usual."**

Kisame and Deidara shrugged.

And then, Hidan came crashing through the wall and went straight through the wall across the hall, leaving two giant gaping holes in his wake.

"BASTARD!!" Sakura screamed after him, leaping through the hole. She was far from finished.

Deidara recoiled instantly, though the rosette thankfully didn't seem to notice them. She disappeared through the second hole, and more loud noises could be heard.

"Leader-sama will not be pleased," Zetsu commented.

And without another word, the man walked off.

CRACK.

"OW!! YOU BROKE MY NOSE, BITCH!"

"THAT'S NOT **ALL** I'M GONNA BREAK!!"

WHAM!

Deidara flinched and Kisame grimaced.

"Kakuzu, I think she's gonna do a _lot_ more than paralyze him, yeah," the blond mumbled, eye squeezing halfway shut when another loud 'BAM' sounded.

"It's for the best," the almost-immortal Akatsuki member stated darkly. Kisame snorted in agreement.

"_What_ is going on here?"

Deidara nearly jumped out of his skin and Kisame paled. Both whipped around to see Pein sending them unpleased looks. Itachi, Sasori, and Kakuzu were conveniently _gone_.

"Why are the both of you not stepping in?" he demanded.

"Eh...because Hidan deserves it...yeah...?"

Pein's eyebrow arched.

"Oh? Then please enlighten me. What is it that Hidan has done?"

"..."

Deidara and Kisame exchanged an uncertain glance.

"As I thought." Pein sigh quietly. "It's rather disappointing when two fully-grown Akatsuki cannot build the courage to stand up against a twenty-year-old woman."

Deidara and Kisame both stared at the ground, thoroughly stripped of their pride. Pein said nothing more as he stepped around them and entered the room by means of the door – less than three feet from the large hole. He found Sakura holding Hidan's collar with her left fist, and punching him repeatedly in the face with her right.

"Sakura, I sincerely hope that you have a good explanation for this."

Sakura froze, her fist millimeters from Hidan's face. Her head snapped up and she stared wordlessly at Pein with large eyes, but small pupils. She immediately dropped the Jashinist, jumping back a couple of feet. The medic stared helplessly at the heavily-cracked concrete floor, hoping death would come quickly and painlessly.

"...I, uh...do..."

"Then, pray tell, _what is it_?"

Sakura remained silent as an 'oh shit' look crossed her face.

"I'm waiting, Sakura," Pein said coldly.

"...he...uh...he–COUGH COUGH HACK!"

Sakura looked up desperately at her Leader, praying to every known god that he would except that answer. Pein, however, was not amused.

"I didn't quite catch that."

Sakura's face fell.

"He..." She turned her face away as it blazed red. "He..." She mumbled the rest too quietly to be heard.

"Speak up."

Sakura clenched her eyes shut, feeling that a very large blow was about to be made to her ego.

"He...kissed me..."

Pein looked at her blankly, ringed gray eyes emotionless.

"Sakura, I do not appreciate being lied to."

She whirled her head around to face Pein in disbelief, jabbing an accusing finger at Hidan as her face went bright crimson.

"I'm not lying! He grabbed me and kissed me! That's sexual assault!!"

"Like you said," Hidan spoke up, hand over his broken and bleeding nose. "Big FUCKING deal."

Sakura snapped her knee up, preparing to kick the shit out of Hidan when Pein spoke up.

"Enough, Sakura," he ordered.

Sakura obeyed instantly, shrinking back. Pein's eyes landed on Hidan.

"Hidan, seeing as you did nothing to object, I assume that this is true...?"

"Of course it's fucking true," he muttered, wiping his nose with the back of his hand before dropping it to prop himself up.

Pein said nothing about his language.

"Very well. Hidan, you are not to invade Sakura's personal space. Sakura, you will _not_ cause any more fights. Am I understood?"

Both muttered a quiet 'Hai, Leader' or 'Yeah, yeah'.

Pein sent them both a reprimanding glare before walking silently from the room. Their audience of five Akatsuki members watched on from outside of the hole. Deidara was barely containing hysterics, while Kisame snickered quietly. Kakuzu watched to see if Sakura would rip his partner to pieces, Sasori stared with an eyebrow raised, and Itachi could care less...even if he _was_ almost smirking.

It was awkwardly quiet between the two. Suddenly, Hidan smirked.

"I know you fucking liked it."

Sakura bristled furiously.

WHAM!

"YE-OW!"

--

The Akatsuki all sat quietly around a table, calmly eating bowls of white sticky rice and miso soup or ramen. It was uncommon for them all to be in one base, but they would be splitting up in five days.

Pein and Konan would remain in Amegakure; Sakura, Tobi, and Zetsu would travel to the base near Kusagakure; Sasori, Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuzu would go to the base in Swamp Country; and Itachi and Kisame would stay at the base in Wind Country. It was simple.

Sakura – eyes closed – slipped a small clump of soy-sauce-covered white sticky rice through her lips, courtesy of her chopsticks. She chewed silently before swallowing and taking a drink of her black tea. She fed a long string of ramen noodles into her mouth, slurping them up without caring who saw.

Kisame chuckled quietly as he took a drink of sake, while Deidara snorted with a mouthful of noodles.

Hidan prepared to take a bite of his rice much like Sakura had, only to paused and open his eyes once the chopsticks were only inches away. He smirked smugly across the table at the rosette, who sat oblivious to his look.

"I still say you fucking liked it."

Sakura's eyes snapped open wide, and she choked very un-lady-like on her ramen noodles. She dropped her chopsticks and slapped a fist against her chest a few times until she could swallow.

The medic's face screamed 'DEATH' and she chucked her bowl of ramen across the table at him. The bowl slammed into Hidan's face, shattering and knocking him clean out of his seat. She flew from her chair and stormed out of the room.

Deidara was in hysterical tears, nearly choking as he laughed, while Kisame coughed violently on his sake, a grin spreading across his face. Itachi's lips twitched, and Sasori let out a quiet 'Heh'. Kakuzu seemed to approve of Sakura's actions. Zetsu remained completely silent, and Tobi giggled like a little kid. Konan raised an eyebrow at Pein, eyes slightly wide.

"What was that about?" she asked.

Hidan scrambled to his feet, a shard of the bowl balanced on top of his head. Noodles and ramen broth ran down his face and shoulders.

Pein sighed quietly, shaking his head.

--

Sakura seethed as she stamped down the hall towards her room. She didn't even care that she hadn't finished her dinner.

"Hey, Sakura."

Sakura jumped a good ten feet into the air, feeling as though her soul had slipped from her body. She whipped around, glaring when she saw Hidan smirking at her. The noddles, broth, and shards of bowl had been wiped off.

Without a word, she turned on her heel and stalked off.

"Oi! Wait up!"

Sakura ground her teeth together as Hidan jogged beside her, trying to catch her attention.

"What?!" she hissed.

And suddenly, Hidan was pinning her against the wall, hands on either side of her head on the concrete. Her eyes widened before narrowing.

"Get off me," she growled lowly.

Hidan sent her a cocky smirk.

"Don't think so."

She glared even harder, opening her mouth to tell him off, when his fingers lifted her chin. Red spread across Sakura's face, and her eyes widened yet again, but narrowed right after.

"Let go of me!" she snapped.

Hidan's smirk only widened, and his face was suddenly inches away.

A blush encased her as his nose brushed against hers. Sakura did her best to glare.

"I mean it, Hidan." Damn her wavering voice. "If you don't let go of me right now, so help my God, I'll–"

"You'll _what_?"

His breath fanned out across her face, and her own hitched when his lips barely skimmed hers. Sakura tried to glare. She really did; but it was quickly failing.

Hidan's mouth was pulled up was slightly at the corners as he watched Sakura through half-lidded eyes. Her eyes were nearly closed as well. She tilted her chin up a bit higher, lips brushing against his. The smirk tugged at his lips again.

"See? I told you, you fucking liked it," he murmured.

Her eyebrows pulled together slightly in annoyance, hooded green eyes sparking.

"Shut up."

And then he kissed her again.

Sakura welcomed it this time, moving her lips in time to his. They breathed raggedly through their noses, fingers threading into hair. Sakura was forced back against the wall as Hidan pressed against her. Their lips broke apart when the need for air – even though Hidan didn't actually _need_ it – presented itself.

Hidan smirked lazily at her, violet eyes half-closed.

"You _definitely_ fucking liked it."

Red dusted her face as Sakura managed to free herself from Hidan's grip. She turned to the direction of her room, but stopped with her back to him. Hidan's smirk grew.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're fucking hot?"

Sakura froze, slowly glancing over her shoulder with a bright scarlet face.

"...no," she finally squeaked out.

Hidan was getting cocky.

"Well, newsflash: you're fucking hot."

Though she wished she could glare at him, Sakura smiled almost timidly.

"You single?"

A shocked look adorned her expression. Surely she hadn't heard that right. Hidan didn't just ask that...right?"

"...y-yeah," the kunoichi stammered, to her extreme embarrassment and Hidan's amusement.

"Well, what do ya fucking know? We've got something in common." His smirk widened even further, if that was possible. "Care to change that to something _else_ we've got in common?"

Sakura blushed even harder, but smiled nonetheless. "What the hell? Why not?"

"Oi, my room's across the hall..."

Sakura smirked lightly and laughed quietly. Hidan's own smirk stretched even further across his face.

"While we're at it, I can tell you all about Jashin-sama and the advantages of being immortal. You know, being immortal means you don't have to sleep..."

Sakura just laughed and shook her head in amusement as she followed Hidan into his room.


End file.
